The Chronicles of Kage Jonas Coven

back from hiatus?

2009-11-10T19:03:37Z

Heather's cat, Keekerz (KiKi) and I are friends, I promise. She's a chocolate siamese and i love her!!

anyway,

so what's been goin on with me? well....this:

I recently:

ended my 2 year relationship with Shawna
dated my first transman (and fell in love with him)
got dumped by my first transman for his drug addict girlfriend
started dating my best friend, celena
got a new bestie....heather...and she's been really good for me
came out to my parents...awkward, but at least i finally told them
scheduled my first therapist appointment
paid for my name change ($165...*sigh*) and got my court date for Dec 29th

and that's about what's going on in my life right now. more later, i think.

-kage

youngstown pride 2009

2009-06-06T10:38:15Z

so pride is today. at noon. i haven't slept. for some stupid reason, i was drained...but when i closed my eyes, they kept flying back open. *sigh* i hate this.

so i finished bleaching my mohawk. hopefully i can get it that amazing platinum-ish color i had before again...and not that wierd brassy-gold i usually end up with. *shrug* here's to hoping.

listening to my mixes, going over lyrics...checking and quadruple checking props and costumes.

no room for error!

-kage jonas

we watched our lives on the screen...

2009-06-02T19:00:13Z

"i hate the ending myself..."

lately i've been having these recurring dreams and thoughts and emotions.

i keep having this sinking feel in my stomach. i also get these intest feelings of desperation and what i can only describe as despair. and then i'm fine. *sigh*

Youngstown Pride in 4 days. I'm stoked. But still nervous. This better be so worth the energy.

-kage jonas

so

2009-05-30T11:16:40Z

well, i'm attempting to keep my promise and actually update!!!

so i'm still doing drag of course.

Youngstown's first pride is coming up...and I have the privilege of performing before anyone....and you're asking yourself "why's that, kage?" (you probably aren't. because you're not really reading this...you're skimming at best).

well, it's because I won the Mr. Pride Youngstown Pageant. So...I am officially, Mr. Ricky Mutha-Fuckin' Vega, the first ever Mr. Pride Youngstown! SO even if we never have another pride, i will go down in history. that makes me somewhat pleased.

- -
-

that was my pleased face. anyway, going to bed. been up all night working on my mixes for pride. it's in t-minus 7 days!

-kage jonas

it's been a bit

2009-05-23T09:23:07Z

corr.

i realize it's been quite a bit since i've had something interesting to say at all...let alone in my lj. i guess i should do that then.

nothing new on the treatment front.

however, i have information packets on insurance from work. so i just may be sitting down the the wifey today and figuring out which package i need. then, i can start lookin' around for a doctor. with any luck, i can use a local one and not have to pay for bloodwork because of my insurance. *sigh*

please come through for me. i really need this to pick me up.

-kage jonas

my first attempt at vlogging!

2009-05-08T11:30:35Z

(btw, i know it cuts off...my camera is dumb...but i can only do small snippets at a time. but at least it works. so more later!)
-kage jonas

mer i've been around, i guess

2009-03-18T02:09:43Z

so i've been on hiatus for a bit. sorry about that. just updating!

Kage Jonas (kage OR jonas, I answer to both) 22, pre-everything (out for 2 years!!)

me as Mr. Ricky Vega in drag (the burns are real)

3 months of growth, no T, my sideburns

1 month of growth, my chin, no T

in the bathroom at work!!!

Hope you like 'em!

-kage jonas

just an update

2008-08-11T06:04:58Z

i'm having my fiancee set up an lj so she can post on the transpartner forums...she needs an outlet too.

;)

kage jonas

Voice Post

2008-08-02T09:59:26Z

lately...

2008-01-23T21:35:44Z

i've felt like i'm fading away. i don't necessarily like that feeling.

i've found a somewhat reliable signal coming from the neighbor's house and i've been leeching that...but it's so...well, unreliable.

got an interview somewhere, finally. so looks like i'll be working at pizza hut soon. yay for actually having a job and being able to pay off my debts so that i can fix my already shitty credit. this sucks. to buy the things i need to buy, i'll be requiring a credit card...so my credit better just fix it's damn self.

-kage

my pre-weekend post

2007-10-05T10:04:46Z

what did i do?

-straightened my hair
....it looks pretty effing sweet, let me just say that....

-came out as trans to my cousin
....it went better than expected, as all of it has been so far in my coming out journey....

-drew the most amazing picture ever
.....it's actually my proposal....

that's right, i said it, proposal.

this boy has finally gotten up the courage to propose to the girl of his dreams. she WILL say yes....

or "it's back to the drawing board" to pardon that pun...

*crossing fingers and wiping buckets of sweat from brow*

-kage

coming out to close friends...and pics

2007-09-28T08:27:56Z

slowly but surely, i've been able to tell a lot of my closer friends about my transition. it's gone beautifully. i spent the evening with a couple of my friends, shawn and melissa...they are supportive and awesome and love me the same...if not more now.

*sigh*

but anyway, the topic of this post was to show some recent pics of myself (and my supportive, beautiful girlfriend, shawna). oh, and one more thing, no...i'm not on T...i get asked that a lot because i have thick as hell sideburns and eyebrows, lol.

this is gee eff and i (i'm sleeping as i am in most of the pics she likes to take) on the car ride home from cleveland clinic where we were visiting uncle who is getting sicker by the minute...my hair is a mess here...right before i cut it all off...

us at my county's annual county fair. yes, i'm really that short and she is really that tall...lol. she's 5'9". i'm 5'0".

that same night after the fair. she loves to take pics of me when i'm sleeping...i swear

us in the car a few days ago, getting ready to go to the store to buy something to make for dinner.

if not for my gee eff, i would be a mess in all of this, but she's been wonderfully supportive.

-kage

scared and all of its synonyms

2007-09-27T16:21:45Z

mostly i've found myself to be afraid more often than not as of late. not only is uncle sick, but i've been trying to keep gender in check until something can be done of sorts. i mean, i don't want to blow my cover with my family at this time...it would tear them apart. uncle is dying, this is his time. but as far as everything else, when i go out with gee eff, i go out bound and packed.

i guess what i'm saying is i'm just scared in general. i'm scared to death of straight bars. i mean, not that i don't pass. i'm just kind of scared of the straight guys that stare at me. i wonder if they are trying to figure me out, or trying to figure out timing on beating the living piss out of me in a bathroom later. it feels so hostile. maybe they just see me as competition? the women look at me far longer than the men. i get a lot of phone numbers of women presuming that i'm male. although flattering, also dangerous. i turn them down, mostly...but it's the angry looking men in the room that get me.

maybe i'm afraid for no reason. i told gee eff, my biggest fear is being beaten to death in a hate crime. i'm so afraid of that it's not even funny. i have nightmares sometimes where i'm being beaten to smithereens and nobody is lifting a hand to save me. i mean, i'm not hiding anything, really...am i?

i can't even watch "Boys Don't Cry" when i'm alone anymore. as much as i love the movie, it gives me nightmares. sure, Brandon Teena was passing and lying to people...and i'm not in the same situation here...but it's still frightening as a thought.

i'm just afraid that i'll be killed and then my family will find out the hard way. not to mention what might happen to gee eff. i don't even want to think about it. i don't want to be scared anymore, but at the same time....i don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

i'm also scared that because i don't want to make a full transition beyond top surgery and t, that i won't pass with just purchasing a pack n' pee and then my nightmares will come true. i guess what i'm saying is...i can never be a real man and i can never be a real woman. i can't win. i don't like feeling trapped in a cage.

*sigh*

thanks for reading.

-kage

il est non moins d'un homme maintenant

2007-09-21T15:04:11Z

(this entry is cross-posted from my mindsay)

il est non moins d'un homme maintenant

the title of this entry was from the top of my head, from the 2 years of french i took almost 4 years ago...still fresh as ever.

to be frank, the title reads in english "he is no less of a man now".

as i have posted previously, my uncle is very sick.

he has lesions in his brain. the largest is about the size of a small orange, about 3cm diameter and the next largest is about 2cm in diameter.

we talked with his doctors yesterday. all i could hear coming from dr. bravo's mouth was "death death death". he's dying. my heart is finally resigning to this fact.

for years, he's been living with (and definitely not dying from) the HIV...but not now. now, he is not himself.

my uncle is normally the sweetest, most caring man you'd ever meet. despite his afflictions, he's still wonderful.

i couldn't help but think to myself as i stood there, that this man sitting before me in the office chair is not my uncle. this man, who is excited about the size of the mass on his frontal lobe...this man with the affected personality...this man is not my uncle.

he is on anti-seizure medication now. he had a miniature stroke on his left side and it is now quite a task for him to hold anything with that hand (much less a chocolate milk carton). he can't drink anything but because a weaker consistency is difficult to swallow.

he's dying. my heart knows he's dying. if i hold on any longer, i will break. i don't want to give up hope that his doctors will be able to help him...but for how much longer can they guarantee his life? he's in pain...i know he is...it's in his eyes.

he has violent mood swings now, he's mean now. he's like a little boy now.

this is not my uncle. this is some cruel joke. this man, this boy...

and still, he is no less of a man to me.

-nqm

oh em gee, eye effing el-oh-vee-ee gee eff!

2007-09-19T08:11:06Z

recently, i've come to the conclusion that gee eff is indeed the elusive "one". yesh, i know i thought that i found said "one" about twice before...but those apparently were not it.

i've never felt this way about any one person in my entire life. usually, i'm fleeting, though i love deeply.

i mean, i've never admitted to anyone but myself that i thought said folks were in fact, "the one". but now, i'm comfortable screaming to the entire fucking planet that this girl is it...she is in fact, the number one reason why i'm comfortable with my transgenderism. i write her poetry, i draw her pictures, i can't stop thinking about her...we're hardly separable these days (thanks for texting that's unlimited on my plan...).

i honestly felt horrid about having to visit uncle at the cleveland clinic today, but because she was with me, i was okay. she held my hand, she stroked my hair, kissed my neck...she seemed to know every little thing to do to make me feel even a tenth better than i was feeling already.

something tells me that today was one hell of an indication of how much i love her and how very much she loves me. i look into her eyes and i can see myself...not the reflection, silly...the passage into her...i'm there.

i can tell i'm close to her heart. it's in the way she whispers my name, the way she brushes her fingertips against any visible part of flesh that she can. the amazing connection that we share...

she is my everything.

-kage

je suis inquiété pour mon oncle

2007-09-17T08:38:12Z

my uncle, who is a long-time sufferer of hemophilia (and is HIV+) fell and had a possible seizure yesterday morning. he was rushed to the ER and i can't visit him. he was shipped off to cleveland clinic. turns out he has 3 things that may be wrong with him.

1) brain tumor
2) infection in his brain
3) bleeding in his brain

the bleeding scares me the most. hemophiliacs are missing factor 9 in their blood...aka the CLOTTING factor. put 2 and 2 together, that means he could quite possibly bleed to death in his brain before they can do anything (if anything can be done for him). i sure hope he's been taking his synthetic factor 9. he's been suffering a terrible 6 day long migraine. the doctors did nothing for that except give him more pills.

yes, let's stuff more pills down his throat and call it a day. effing doctors. operate, treat him, do CT scans...do SOMETHING...don't just say "take 3 and call me in the morning". this man has outlived his live expectancy by almost 25 years...SAVE HIM. if you can't i understand, but at least try for christ's sake.

i'm so frustrated at this time, i don't know what to do. just pray for my uncle, please. he's only 37.

-nqm

the choice

2007-09-15T07:59:45Z

quite some time ago, i wrote an entry entitled "now or never". the choice was posed in that entry that i could pounce on an opportunity, or i could let it be and never get the chance again. in that entry, i may not have been speaking about a specific situation, but it comes back into my head now.

there has been a choice posted to me...i, being of a bit less sound mind am making the choice; clearly, resolutely...without the sense of reckless abandon from before.

gee eff's ex was under the impression that they were still together when we ended up falling for each other. unfortunately, this places me in a bad position. X isn't mad at gee eff, instead, she's taking this out on me. X bad mouths me, gee eff stands up for me. about a month ago, X said she wanted to kill me...and gee eff told her straight to her face that she loves me.

it's been a rollercoaster ride, that's for certain. i wouldn't give any of it up, though.

the situation gets hairier, unfortunately for you, dear reader.....you and me both.

X is also a drag king. X drags in Akron, where there are more clubs to perform. the whole way that i met gee eff was because i was performing at a bar in Akron where my girlfriend at the time liked to go...and she happens to be one of gee eff's best friends. [follow me so far?] anyway...i met gee eff through an ex of mine...simply put.

well, at the time, X and i were actually getting to be friends. she even said she liked me. i was under the impression that she liked my style and me in general.

wrong-o.

there is a bunch of kings...about 6-8 of them in akron who are friends with X. none of them like me now because of X. so i guess what upsets me is that they are violent people. wanting to kill is an understatement. they beat the living shit out of one king because he was bad-mouthing everybody. it's so bad, he won't even go to the bar...he won't perform because he's that badly bruised and beaten to hell and back. X headed that beating up. it may have been deserved, but still. that's not something i'm looking for.

so now, i have to back out of a paying gig (it's $25...and i don't have a job yet, so that's good money for me for right now) on halloween (that's + tips, etc). because i don't want to have my face rearranged. *sigh*

and the reason i'm making this choice is because gee eff told me that if X or anybody came after me, she would stand between us. she would bleed for me, and a lot. as sweet as that may or may not sound [depends on who you are, i guess], i do not want the woman i love being beaten/beating people up because they can't handle the fact that she loves me. it's just not right.

the choice is this: i told her, "you are more important to me than any stage and any amount of money". i meant it, too.
i know she's the one for me. nobody would ever bleed to save me from bleeding myself. i don't want it to come to that, but knowing...there's the comfort.
the choice came up, the choice has been made.
for once, *I* made the choice before it was made for me.

i choose love.

-nqm

lovestoned.

2007-09-14T15:23:33Z

she's sweet and funny and amazing. she makes me feel incredible about myself. i've honestly never actually liked myself as much as i do now.

she encourages me to be me...without any of the awkwardness of losing any sort of autonomy. our relationship has only gotten stronger since the mistakes made with "said friend"....aka: the "otter". it's best if you don't ask.

so i guess my to-do list is almost finish....chyeah...right.......

To Do List

~~graduate high school~~
find true love
tell family about being gay
tell family about being transgender
buy a soft packy
become famous drag king
legally get name changed
pay any and all debts off
get a car
have a family
~~fix things between most recent ex and self~~
get a new job
move out of grandparents' house
ask her to marry me

okay, so the list is a bit much, but maybe i will accomplish it someday.

anyway, i honestly know what it's like to be "lovestoned", now.

i wonder if this is what it's like to be a boy, interrupted...if there can be girl, interrupted, why not? right? right.

i need to effing sleep.

-nqm

birthday present!!!

2007-09-12T00:54:35Z

i gots mouses!!!

shawna bought me two baby "fancy mice". their names are Rupert and Radcliffe.

I named them after Ron Weasley and Harry Potter (respectively)

they are the most cutest, most wonderful, most adorable baby mousies that a transboy ever had!!!!

i'm gonna be the best daddy in the whole wide world!

pictures soon to follow ( i hopez!)

-nqm

the not quite beginning

2007-09-11T15:16:36Z

she with her glass-green eyes closing ever long as my lips grazed the flesh of her throat. her tiny, onyx-nailed fingers grasping at the buckle of my belt...my body aching for her touch- her smell still haunts me sometimes...i'm hardly ever able to drive the thought of her aside. sometimes, if i catch a whiff of the air just right...i swear that i can smell her perfume on the breeze...

standing, nearly bare, before me- lips quivering, knees buckling as if in prayer. i was her god, and she, my athena. like the siege of troy, my helena was strong-willed and quite able. i fell deeply in love ith her- standing before me as i lay on my stomach in my boxer-briefs and my beater, eyes drawn to hers- she had me under her spell. i was hers entirely- and i was not yet seventeen.

she slipped onto the bed beside me, sly eyes -shy eyes- pretending not to be a virgin...so juvenile, so sweet. i had grown quite accustomed to her secretive sideways glances and the occasional awkward brush of the hand- girlfriend? nay, lover. my first lover, a hallowed position indeed- my taste for her had never truly been quenched...no matter how many times our lips met in secret, like a sermon. the taste...the scent of her is distinct and familiar. the smell of wildflowers and fresh rain fills my mind with the familiarity of her sweet nectar kiss...

the memory of her is so vivid even now...all these years later. ah, she floods my mind. her corn silk hair, the milk-white kiss of her flesh upon mine- familiar and oh, so painful.

one moment, tickling beneath the sheets...suddenly, torn from each other by deceit's groping fingertips. my heart had rusted shut against her now icy will...i feared i would never feel again.

i'd close my eyes and still see her, rose petal lips cold as stones now, reaching to touch my cheek- those little hands- now frozen, icicle fingertips glancing across the small of my spine...

she once filled me to the brim with a molten fire to burn my heart, scalding hot sulfur kisses...

now, those strange, glass-green eyes, always glancing, never smiling unless inflicting pain.

i can see her before me, an entire movement in my magnum opus- a symphony in some awful schreoneberg piece played backward through a foghorn.

that cool smile, slimy- leaves a rusty stain residue on my soul. the panic recedes now at her name, at the very thought of her-

you, my green-eyed goddess,

the injurious actions which you have done against my heart will scar me for forever...for all to see.

-nqm

the constant struggle

2007-08-06T09:20:07Z

every single day is a constant struggle these days.

i'm slipping away from it all in every sense of the word.

when she's gone, i feel unwhole. it's the new love jitters, i know it well. but this one really could be the end-all-be-all of it, folks.

i can't get enough of her and it makes me so confused. it's like every kiss is the prelude to another...each touch is a welcome catalyst to something delicious and wonderful.

there are no longer individual pieces of my heart...it has become fused once more....patchwork, but still somewhat (if not mostly) whole.

but at the same time....this dichotomy inside of me is threatening to wreck me.

i know that i do not desire a complete transition into the land of the y chromosome...but parts of me still wonder why that is exactly.

is it because i found the one who was charged with the task of showing me this? or is it because it was never truly a desire in the first place?

i hear her footsteps above my head and i realize that i don't need to think like i'm alone anymore.

i'm not alone. and maybe that's the scary part. i hate being alone now...the thoughts in my head are absolutely frightening sometimes. they overwhelm me in ways i never knew one could be overtaken. i've never experienced a mutiny of the mind...until now.

it's like other bits of me feel the need to take over sometimes.

just when i feel like i'm settled, like i'm grounded.....i flutter away again, swiftly as a butterfly.

but she grounds me. she brings me all back to her with a glance in my direction.

she is the string on this balloon and i fear someday she'll cut me loose....

-nqm

slipping away

2007-07-14T07:07:22Z

i guess what i failed to see was how very, very far i let her slip away from me.

my best friend, my confidante...and i let her down. i wasn't there. i wasn't there because i was too petty and stupid, too shallow and broken and somehow altogether horrid.

her mother hates me, hates my lifestyle, my appearance.

why?

because i'm "different". i always have been.

i don't think i can handle one more person reacting that way to me. i've already been anonymously told by my honesty box on facebook that i..."creep someone out...slightly".

why the fuck am i the "creepy" one? how? how the fuck did i become the spitwad on the back of the bus window?

i hate this.

-nqm

one step closer to the crown...

2007-07-14T06:58:41Z

i love that feeling of reckless abandon i get whenever she touches my skin.

i love the way she makes me feel when we're together.

but what i do NOT love is the way that it feels when we're apart.

i know, i know. it's that all-too-familiar "new romance" feeling. but somehow, something is different. it's actual love. it's first love and last love and love love love all at once.

she makes me not care what others think...i've longed to feel that way through-and-through for so long i'd forgotten how to react.

i hate that waking up can sometimes creep up on us long before we'd even thought of sleep. if i could just freeze time, for just one night...i'd spend forever looking into her eyes.

i've never cared so deeply for another human being (let alone myself) in my life. she makes me feel sexy, irresistible...perfectly imperfect and wonderful all at once.

i just want her. forever.

-nqm

my space or yours?

2007-07-04T09:42:31Z

over the past few weeks, i've debated deleting my myspace account altogether, except for the fact that it's how i keep in touch with old friends who live in other areas, etc and it's easy to use.

but the girl still has feelings for her ex. she would never get married unless she married her ex again, she still wants to be with her, i can feel it.

when she's with me, it's gravy...but when we're apart, it kills me to think that maybe i'm not the one.

what kills me most is that i hurt her.

i hurt her and i can't take it back. but at the same time, the reason that i hurt her was none of my own doing...it was merely the reaction to an action. i was just being truthful. i'm not the lying type. what i said was nothing to snarl and attack at, it was nothing.

all i said was "yeah, i like her. and whatever needs to be sorted out between her and her ex is none of my business".

i was under the impression that the two of them were completely quits...and if that is somehow not true....then i got played. i don't want to think that way, but i'm tired of not looking out for number one. i get hurt more than ever whenever i'm more concerned about someone else over my own (dull-as-it-may-be) sense of self-preservation.

i hate this.

i hate that i've already begun to fall. i hate that when i kiss her, i lose every thought in my brain...i hate that she makes me be irrational for once....i hate that i can feel every inch of her against my body even when she's not around....i hate all of it.

but damn it, i love that she has this effect on me. i just hate how stupid it makes me afterward and as a direct reaction.

why is she a knee-jerk reaction in my brain? please help me, somebody.

-nqm

life is all about the moments...

2007-06-29T18:13:47Z

the moment i leaned in, the moment my breath mixed with hers- it all semmed as if anything and everything that was not immediately attached to her became all at once peripheral; if not all together nonexistant.

i really want this girl in every sense of the word.

as she said: "that's a lot of different ways at once"

i agree whole-heartedly, baby.

this feeling is incredible to me.

she gives me butterflies beyond belief.

this is in no way unpleasant. she fills up every sense in my body to all extent.

she really has no idea how very much i want her. she, with her water-blue eyes, ever-changing like a stream. she could cradle me safely away- to this, i would file no objection.

i want her so badly i can't see past it. my mind is stuck on her...her eyes, her face. how could she perceive that i would feel any differently? i crave a touch, a glance in my direction from across the room.

the problem being...not that neither of us are ready to actually enter into anything more; nor is it a lack of experience in either of us- it is, in fact, the situations that have developed around us. there is the problem of the matter: my ex and a mutual friend of ours (both girls) would kill us both dead sooner than see us together...at least, this is my thought.

and the best part is, i could honestly see myself falling for this girl. i'm already insane...i give her butterflies as well...but i'm not letting down the guard just yet.

i want miles and piles of her to drink in...until i am full to bursting.

"without complication, life is just death in disguise..."

-nqm