mostly i've found myself to be afraid more often than not as of late. not only is uncle sick, but i've been trying to keep gender in check until something can be done of sorts. i mean, i don't want to blow my cover with my family at this time...it would tear them apart. uncle is dying, this is his time. but as far as everything else, when i go out with gee eff, i go out bound and packed.

i guess what i'm saying is i'm just scared in general. i'm scared to death of straight bars. i mean, not that i don't pass. i'm just kind of scared of the straight guys that stare at me. i wonder if they are trying to figure me out, or trying to figure out timing on beating the living piss out of me in a bathroom later. it feels so hostile. maybe they just see me as competition? the women look at me far longer than the men. i get a lot of phone numbers of women presuming that i'm male. although flattering, also dangerous. i turn them down, mostly...but it's the angry looking men in the room that get me.

maybe i'm afraid for no reason. i told gee eff, my biggest fear is being beaten to death in a hate crime. i'm so afraid of that it's not even funny. i have nightmares sometimes where i'm being beaten to smithereens and nobody is lifting a hand to save me. i mean, i'm not hiding anything, really...am i?


i can't even watch "Boys Don't Cry" when i'm alone anymore. as much as i love the movie, it gives me nightmares. sure, Brandon Teena was passing and lying to people...and i'm not in the same situation here...but it's still frightening as a thought.

i'm just afraid that i'll be killed and then my family will find out the hard way. not to mention what might happen to gee eff. i don't even want to think about it. i don't want to be scared anymore, but at the same time....i don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

i'm also scared that because i don't want to make a full transition beyond top surgery and t,  that i won't pass with just purchasing a pack n' pee and then my nightmares will come true. i guess what i'm saying is...i can never be a real man and i can never be a real woman. i can't win. i don't like feeling trapped in a cage.

*sigh*